So there I was, reflecting on the editor’s edits (and agreeing with 99% of them), and I felt it again. The creeping dread that maybe this book, fundamentally, doesn’t work. That all the research and clever constructs – that word clever is a clue in itself – have been a waste of time. Who the hell wants to learn about the early Middle Ages in a contemporary British spy novel?
I smile at the inner critic, imagining him or her (I have two, each one a shadow of my muses) in front of me, flip them the finger and breathe in that heady vapour of fear. It tastes of stale tobacco and misty rain, with a hint of metallic tang. It’s familiar and strangely comforting. Because if it bothers me that much then it must matter. And if it matters then I need to give it my attention.
Fears are informative. (A great title for a children’s book, wouldn’t you agree?!) True, some are irrational, but there’s always a reason lurking at the back of it. Some fear spiders – in which case don’t dwell on the image below this post, from our kitchen wall. For others it’s snakes or heights or yellow jumpers.
Me? I have a fear of heights, probably someone once lifted me out over a balcony (either 2nd or 4th floor, unless it gets higher as my memory fades) – and yet I love flying. Go figure.
As a writer I may not be able to defuse a bomb against the clock, or wrestle an elephant, or evade nighttime security staff, but I understand what it is to be scared. To feel the world closing in, mouth dry, hands chilled, and my eyes swallowing the horizon.
Thanks for the spider……..LOL….Keep on doing what you wish to do, Derek and make yourself happy, to heck with what the readers think…So far I have no problems…hugs xoxox
The of doesn't do it justice – the biggest I've ever seen in the house! You're right of course. We an only write our own way and trust (hope!) that our readers will find us. Hopefully some news about Shadow State soon.